Sexuality and relationships - FAQs

Some people might not know who they can talk to about sexuality and relationships.

It is helpful to talk to someone you trust about how you feel.

If it is hard to talk to a friend or your family, there are other people and places that can help.
 

If you would rather speak to someone on our Learning Disability Helpline, phone 0808 808 1111, or email helpline@mencap.org.uk

You can also find help using our list of accessible information about relationships sex and parenting.

There are lots of dating agencies for people with a learning disability.
A dating agency helps you meet other people. They can find someone for you to date who is a good match for you.
 

If you feel unsure about using a dating agency, speak with them first to find out what they can do for you.

Some agencies can support you to make new friends.
 

Some agencies can also send someone with you on your date as a supporter, to help you stay safe and confident.

 

We think these agencies are good:

Love4Life who have offices in some parts of England.

Luv 2 Meet U in the North of England.

Mates n Dates are a friendship and dating agency in Oxfordshire.

Disabled dating is an agency which supports disabled people to find love online.

Heartventure who are a friendship agency in Brighton and Hove.

Friendships can help people feel happier, included and valued. They can also enhance wellbeing.  

Sadly, people with a learning disability tend to have smaller social networks and fewer opportunities to meet new and existing friends.  

Learning about friendship and qualities of a good friend is an important part of relationships and sex education. Sometimes this means practical support to assist someone with attending events or places where they could meet new people.  

Developing and maintaining personal relationships may be an eligible need under the Care Act. A person with a learning disability could request a needs assessment from the local authority to find out what support they could have to meet this outcome. For more information about assessments, contact the Learning Disability Helpline. 

Learning about friendships, sexuality and relationships is the foundation upon which a person’s knowledge and skills for dating and relationships can be developed. This helps to build a person’s understanding of the different types of relationships, stages of a relationship, consent and intimacy.   

Find out what support the person would like from you. Do they want support to find information or more practical support to access events or places to meet new people? Do more opportunities need to be created to increase the potential for meeting new people?    

Try to pro-actively raise the issue of relationships and sex in conversation if you’re a friend or family, or during person-centred reviews if you’re a support worker . 

You could try to identify opportunities for the person you support to socialise with other people; this will increase the potential for relationships to form. 

Make sure that you provide a one to one basis for the person you support to raise concerns and questions around sex and to identify what their expectations of a relationship are. You may also want to provide them with some information about safe sex and other related issues. 

Developing and maintaining personal relationships may be an eligible need under the Care Act and so the person could request a needs assessment from the local authority to find out what support they could have to meet this outcome. For more information about assessments, contact the Learning Disability Helpline.

Some people with a learning disability are  lesbian , gay , bisexual , transgender , queer, intersex and asexual (LGBTQIA+) just like anybody else, or they might be questioning their sexual orientation or gender. You can best support people by talking to them about being LGBTQIA+ and offering reassurance that it this is okay to be LGBTQIA+.  

We have written an Easy Read about being LGBTQIA+ which may be helpful.

It is best practice for support staff to be proactive in ensuring that the support and information they provide around sex and relationships is LGBTQIA+ inclusive. You can make sure that LGBTQIA+ role models, support groups, and events are visible to the person. Sharing books and videos with LGBTQIA+ characters will also create a more inclusive environment.   

Find support services in your local area here.

Effective sex and relationships education should aim to give people the skills and knowledge to better understand their own sexuality, sexual health and how to have healthy and fulfilling relationships. More widely, it also has a crucial role in helping people to socialize, make friendships and be active members of their community . 
 
Sex and relationships education does not need to be limited to what is taught in schools. It can happen at any stage of someone’s life, in a variety of settings and be delivered by a wide range of trained professionals.  

Sex and relationships education for people with a learning disability should provide support and guidance on a range of topics, including:  

• body awareness  
• the difference between public and private  
• consent  
• LGBTQIA+ identities  
• making friends  
• the qualities of healthy and unhealthy relationships  
• the emotional and physical aspects of sexual relationships  
• safe sex.  

This education needs to be provided in an accessible way that breaks down the key subjects, makes them relatable to real life situations and allows the person to continue to revisit them to ensure their understanding remains up to date.   

It is normal to feel nervous about this subject, but also very important to talk to your child about this. It helps to first find out what they want to talk about and what they already know - follow their cues to help with this. Think about how to tailor this conversation to your child and use resources and images to enable their understanding.  

Ideally this should not be a one-off conversation but a topic that you and your child feel able to discuss on a regular basis. Making this an ongoing conversation that fits in with your lives can make it feel less daunting for both of you. 

If you need more support in having these conversations, speak to someone else in their circle of support who may be able to assist you, like a teacher or support worker.   

If a person you support tells you that they want their partner to stay over, there are a number of things that you should consider:    

• Ask yourself – do both people have capacity to consent to having someone stay over and to having sex?  
• If yes, help them think about the implications of their decisions and who else they might want to talk to.  
• Help them check their tenancy agreement or any house rules to work out whether there may be any issues.  
• Discuss with the person you support whether it may be a good idea for them to talk to their family – they might not want to do this.  
• Are there any implications on overnight support? Try to work this through with the person you support

Remember – if the person has consent, your role is to help them to stay within the law , not for you to impose your views, even where this challenges your own beliefs.  

The soon-to-be parent(s) should request a needs assessment from the local authority to ensure that they have the support they need. Carrying out caring responsibilities for a child contributes to qualifying for adult social care, and getting the right support in place for the parents may be key in ensuring that the child is well looked after and the family stays together.  

  If social services are involved due to concerns about the welfare of the child then the person will need support from:  

• an advocate  to support them through the whole process and any child care proceedings  
• a solicitor to ensure that the person has the right legal support.  

  It is important to help the person get access to good antenatal care and support, ask for extra time for appointments and get information in an easy read format.   

  The person may need support from a range of professionals such as:  

• a community midwife to provide care during pregnancy, labour and birth and after wards 
• a health visitor to promote good health and offer practical health advice  
• an antenatal group to help prepare for birth  
• a community learning disability nurse to help with any emotional and physical health needs and develop independence skills  
• an acute liaison nurse to ensure that the person gets good support in hospital.  

If you are worried that the person you support does not have capacity to consent to a sexual relationship, seek advice from your Community Learning Disability Team.  

The framework for assessing whether someone has the capacity to consent is the Mental Capacity Act (MCA). Principle 1 of the MCA says you should always assume capacity first. You should only doubt capacity if you have reasonable belief that capacity may be impaired. You can read more about the Mental Capacity Act here.  

A person's capacity to consent can change, so an assessment should provide recommendations for whether further sex and relationships education would help the person have capacity to consent in the future. The balance between promoting a person’s rights and aspirations versus risk of abuse/exploitation should ensure every step towards promoting a person’s rights is taken, and that safeguarding interventions are the least restrictive option. 

Mencap are aware that people with a learning disability can be more vulnerable to abuse for a number of reasons including  

• isolation  
• communication problems  
• small social groups  
• limited support services  
• bullying by members of the public  
• lack of life experience  
• lack of education around relationships and sex.  

Sexual abuse can occur in familiar surroundings and usually by someone well known to the person. The abuser is often in a trusted position or in a position of power. It is not always obvious that sexual abuse is occurring.  

There are six areas to consider if you are concerned that abuse may be happening within a relationship or sexual partnership: 

• Is there use of violence or intimidation? 
• Do the people involved have different views of what is ‘normal’? 
• Do the people involved have different levels of cognitive ability? 
• Is there a significant age difference between the people involved? 
• Who takes the initiative in the relationship? 
• What is the impact of one person’s disapproval on the other? 

The local authority has a responsibility to take steps to prevent the abuse of adults in need of care and support. If you have concerns, get in touch with the local safeguarding team. You can find their contact details on your local council website – find your local authority website here: www.gov.uk/find-local-council 

Any safeguarding process should be person-centred and focus on the outcomes that are important for the person with a learning disability. One way that this can be achieved is by having the support of an independent advocate.  

The advice here only applies to adults. If you are concerned that a child is being sexually abused, please contact the local council Children’s Services immediately. You can find your local authority website here:  www.gov.uk/find-local-council  

You may also wish to contact one of the following organisations:  

• Barnados   
• NSPCC (call 0808 800 5000)
• Childline (call 0800 11 11).

Just like everybody else, people with a learning disability are sexual beings and have sexual rights. They have a right to explore and express their sexual identity and to develop relationships just like anybody else.  

Safe and consensual personal and sexual relationships can offer happiness, fulfilment, companionship and a greater sense of choice and control for people with a learning disability. 

In the UK, the age of consent for any form of sexual activity is 16, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. This means all adults and young people have the right to sexual experiences and consensual sex as long as they are 16 or over and have capacity to consent.  

For more information on capacity to consent please see the next question/answer. 

A person with a learning disability has the legal right to get married without parental permission when they are aged 18, or over given that both they and their partner have the capacity to consent. 

They are also legally entitled to become parents if they wish and have a family life, but they may require support to do this. 

There is a lot of prejudice against parents with a learning disability. Because of this, it is more common that their children are taken away from them than other parents. However, there are a number of laws that protect the family unit. For example, the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child asserts the right of children to not be separated from their parents unless it is for their own good. Other legislation also supports the right to appropriate support for families, for example the Children Act 1989 or Human Rights Act 1998.

The Sexual Offences Act has changed the law on rape and sexual assault. The Act has now clarified the situation regarding sexual activity with someone who does not have the capacity to consent to sexual relations (Section 30 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.) This legislation affords protection to people who may be vulnerable to sexual abuse or exploitation due to a learning disability, mental health difficulty or other cognitive difficulty. This is referred to in the act as 'a mental disorder impeding choice'. 

The act states that it is an offence to engage in direct or indirect sexual activity where the person: 

• does not consent
• lacks capacity to consent 
• feels coerced (pressured) to consent because the other person is in a position of trust, power or authority. 

If you have concerns or need further information, contact your local safeguarding team. You can find their contact details on your local council website by searching here: www.gov.uk/find-local-council